No one can save me

I am terrified that I can’t make it. I tell myself constantly that I can’t think that way, that I have to change my mindset or my life will never change, but somehow I always end up back in square one. A space that holds its vice grip on me as I sink into the world. Maybe I’m not cut out for living. I often wonder how free is our will if the future is predetermined. How can people say “it’s your choice” and also say “what’s meant to be will be”.. the concepts completely contradict one another! Which is true? Are they both true? Am I freely allowed to choose which path will take, even if the destination is fixed? I hope I can make it. I have to make it. Not for me, but for my mom. If I can’t do it for me, I have to do it for her because letting her down is my biggest fear, even over my own survival.